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14 September 2015

On the bad days

There is no denying that in this day and age, social media is part of, if not everyone's, daily lives. As I was scrolling down my Facebook's newsfeed (don't deny it, you still use Facebook  too) I realised that social media sort of gives us a mask. A mask to hide our lives from others and show only the pretty sides of things. Social media sort of gives us the power of "pretentiousness". The power to pretend we are rich, adventurers, sociable, popular, successful, happy people, and nothing is wrong with our lives. Well, I am not exempting my self on this matter. I am guilty of only posting about the good days - with the beautiful sceneries, all smiles and good food. I'll only feel like posting something online when I have achieved something or explored somewhere new or went out. This online persona pretends that I got my life figured out, I am completely happy and life's a breeze. But I'll be honest now and say those are just half truths. What I do not let others see are the bad days. Here is the other half of the truth: every day is not always a good day.  On the days that are not good, there is anxiety, worry, sadness, laziness and fear. 

I am afraid of the future, of not knowing what to expect. I am afraid of disappointing people who I value. I am afraid of running out of money, because it is damn hard to work at an hourly rate. I am afraid of confrontation and conflicts. I am afraid of insects and holes. I am afraid of losing the people I love, of failing and to not be accepted. At times I am afraid of telling the truth, I worry if all my dreams will come true.

I feel really anxious when I am about to take a test, in starting a conversation with a person I barely know. When I drive and I don't know the directions to where I'm going. I get anxious when the lecturer asks a question and I don't know the answer, but I also get anxious to speak out even when I do know the answer. Sometimes I feel anxious for no reason at all. 

On the bad days, I stare at the mirror with disgust because I'm not happy with what I'm seeing. Acne, unshaped eyebrows, humongous frizzy hair, bloated belly... On the bad days I feel ugly. 

There are times when I couldn't be bothered to do anything. I sit around on the sofa the whole day, and eat all the junk food I can find. There are times I lose motivation; motivation to study, to be productive and to achieve something. I burn my tongue because my tea is too hot, I wear pyjamas the whole day, I find everyone annoying...

On the bad days life dawns on me and I cry.

I don't show or tell anyone all these online. Not until today wherein I choose to let you have a peek on my bad days. (Because I'm feeling extremely brave today) I choose to embrace my imperfections and struggles because that's what makes me real.

No amount of posts with #blessed or jump shots on the beach can make life perfect. So stop feeling sorry for yourself when you see someone on Instagram living out your goals, stop comparing either. There's always another side to every story. Besides, it is so tiring to always strive to be perfect or "look perfect". Because no one simply is.

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